•• Pretty Distraction ••

Tomorrow things go back to being ‘normal’. And by normal, I mean things are going back to how they have to be, minus a very big spot in my heart.

My aunts go home tomorrow, and I know they are so happy to get home… I know that their families want them home. I so understand that. Yet, for me, it’s like once they leave… I know things will go on. I won’t have something to keep me busy and to focus on, as much. I’ll have to go on about day to day life, without my grandma. I miss her so much. So very much. I’ll miss all the phone calls, the quick visits, the long visits, the holidays, the big hugs. I’ll go back to working normal, without family comfort at night. Of course, I have my mom and dad here, but the routines will be going back to normal. And, there will be more ‘missing’ time.

I’m strong, I know we are all strong… and we will pull through this and make it. I know that. But, God, I miss her so much…. and it’s hard to think about it all being over, and that I’ll have to hang onto the memories, and keep her close in my heart.

I’m trying to keep from having a panic attack. I feel this heaviness in my chest, and warm burning. I’m taking slow deep breaths, and repeating over and over that it will all be okay. Because, it will, won’t it…

I wrote this blog on 06/04/10 at 12:30am. So, it’s likely to be rambling and not make much sense. I started to proof read it, which of course would lead to some re-writting. However, I decided to leave it as is. Raw emotion, the way that it felt in that moment. We laid my grandma to rest on June 3rd.

Phenomenal Woman.

Few of us are truly blessed enough to have someone so amazing, such as was my grandma. She devoted her life to her family, and helped fill us with unexplainable love. Memorial Day, Monday - May 31, 2010… My grandma left the earth to be with God. It sent my whole family, and our many beloved friends, into shock. And this shock, will continue for sometime. And that’s ok, our hearts are hurting because we miss her. Even in knowing she is with God, she’s out of any pain and stress, she is at peace, our hearts ache. We think of the past memories and smile on those treasured moments. We cry, thinking of the moments that we will never experience. Everyone stresses that she is at peace. And, believe me… I know that. And sure, it provides some comfort, in that moment. We use those words, those thoughts and beliefs to be strong for the others. We are all weak, and yet we are all strong.

Our family has always been full of love. We might not have lived in a mansion, or had designer things. But, one thing we always had an abundance of, is love. I hear stories of friends childhoods, and I feel so bad for them. I had an amazing childhood. Now, that does not mean we did not have struggles. We did, of course, like everyone. But our family was so connected, so close, so loved, that even those struggles only made us stronger. I never doubted my family’s love for me. Ever. I never worried or thought that they felt I wasn’t good enough. They made me feel that I was the most beautiful and amazing woman ever. But to me? The most amazing, beautiful, phenomenal woman I know… is my grandma. She always smiled, laughed, was happy. Everyone who ever met her, adored her. How could you not?

I think back, all the memories… I’m so blessed. So lucky. She didn’t hesitate in helping family, and even friends. Her home was always open, food was always given, without questions. For as far back as I can remember, my grandparents home was always busy. Family, friends, in and out… stopping by, working, etc. The moment you came in the door, you were offered something to drink.. something to eat… and to make yourself at home. At home; that is exactly what it was. Home.

She married my Papa, young. She did what they did in those days. Marry and have children, make a home. In some ways, those simple days are what I long for. I know, it wasn’t easy back then either… but, it seemed so genuine, so matter of fact. Today, there are too many gray areas.

My whole entire life, my grandparents were prominant in my life. I grew up being around them, pretty much every day. I was born with a hole in the center of the four chambers of my heart. I was the first born grandchild, born to the first born daughter. So of course, I was spoiled. And yes, I went through the ’spoiled brat stage’. My family was with me and helping my mom, every step of the way. That’s what we do. We had struggles, as I mentioned before. My mom and I moved next door to my grandparents right before I started kindergarten, and I lived there until I moved out on my own at 17 and 1/2. When I was younger, this was wonderful. Who wouldn’t want to live next door to the grandparents?? For part of my life, I stayed with my grandparents, next door. My mom struggled with acholism, and was not able to take care of me. I’m proud to say she has been sober for 20 some years!! My dad (okay, biologically he’s my step-dad… however, that does NOT sound right at all. He IS my dad… period.) Anyway, he came into our life, and with his help and my grandparents, and aunts and uncles help, my mom won her battle. I’m so very proud of her. So when I became a pre-teen to teen… it was hard to live right next door. I felt, many times, that I had 4 parents. Looking back now, God how thankful I am that I did.

I know, I’m a granddaughter. I know that. But, sometimes it felt as if I was a daughter too. My grandma and papa always talk about ‘all of the girls’. For many years, that was my aunts, my mom, and me. When my aunt had her daughter, our ‘girls’ grew… happily. My papa was surrounded by women, but never once did he mind that. He had his girls. He still has his girls. A sample of the way my family is. We protect each other. One day we were all going to WalMart. My grandma was driving, and in the car was my mom, both of my aunts and myself. As we are driving in the parkinglot, my grandma pulled into a parking spot, a lady going the WRONG way, got mad cause grandma got the spot, and she honked and flipped my grandma off. Bad idea. My grandma barely got the car in park, and doors were open and my aunts, my mom, and myself were out of the car. My grandma saying to us “Now girls!!” Of course, we didn’t fight, or start a scene, but if looks could cause harm? That lady would be very bad off. We all laughed about it hours later, and every time we talked about it. Grandma told me, even recently, how she was just praying that we didn’t go in the store and start anything with her or get in any kind of trouble. But in our minds, we were protecting my grandma. That’s what we do.

There are so many stories, memories, little things to talk about. I’m going to miss being able to go over to her house, walk in and just sit there and watch tv. I’m going to miss yahtzee, cards, marbles. I’m going to miss the massive amounts of food that she made at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m going to miss her cooking, her stories, her smile, her voice, her laughter, her hugs… oh my God, her hugs. And above all, I’m going to miss her. I know she is always with me, and she always will be. And yes, she is safe, without pain and cancer, without stress and struggles and worries, she is at peace. But right now, my heart is aching, perhaps selfishly.. because that is my grandma. I hope that I can become even half the woman she was.

“Gemma” I love you. I miss you. I will carry you with me, always, always, always in my heart. Thank you, for being mine.

Rest peacefully and in love Grandma.
October 23, 1934 ~ May 31, 2010

Always love…

Look, I understand the need to have to visit the facilities many times a day. I understand that this is a natural thing, and I get it, really. But, there are some things, that you just shouldn’t do. We are all adults in the workplace, so I find it silly that these things even need to be stated, but apparently they do. So here are a few examples for you.

1. Please, please, PLEASE — do not make phone calls or have phone conversations when you are in the stall next to me. There is no phone call, that can’t wait the 4 minutes it takes you to do your business, wash your hands, and leave. Case in point: I’m at the office, I make my way to the bathroom (because the gallons of water — ok, not gallons, but at least a few glasses… like 2 most likely) have had, have rushed through my body. So, there I am. Comfy in my little stall, with the rest all open and in walks in a co-worker. Ok, no biggie right? Wrong. Not only does she ignore the other 5 stalls and takes up camp in the one right next to me, she is on the phone. Answers the phone and proceeds to have a conversation. Then, I’m trying to decide… do I stop my business? do I keep going? Is it my responsibility to STOP what I’m in there for?

2. Clean up after yourself. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Hover if you have to, place those little sanitary thing down, do what you need to do. But, and I can’t stress this enough. PLEASE. AIM. WELL. It’s a big target, you can do it. And, if by some misfortune your ‘hover’ is off? Then, clean up any sprinkles. Or, even worse… messes. CLEAN THEM UP. You’re an adult, or should be.

3. If you drop paper on the floor. Pick it up. It’s not hard. Pick it up and place it in the trash, or flush it. Simple. Right?

4. Mother nature sucks. I’m the first to agree with that. But ladies, keep Mother Nature in check. Please. I won’t go into details here, you know the issue, you know what you should do.

5. WASH YOUR HANDS. No matter your methods of hovering, sitting, drying, wiping, and so forth. Your hands need to be washed. Let’s keep everyone healthy, shall we hmmm?

This concludes this special PSA, brought to you from me. Don’t make me post a sign. Because I have pretty fonts, and decorative swirls and such that I can use, and I’ll do it!

Thank you.

xoxo
~Stori

I’ve organized (most) of my books by author. Meaning that I’ve put all of the books by the same author together. Now, I’ve decided that I also want to semi-organize them by genre. Except, I don’t have enough shelves to do that. So, I’ve sorta done it… and sorta not. And, that’s okay with me. To take my OCD-ness a bit further, and I just went through ALL of my books (well the ones that are on the bookshelves) and made sure they were all logged on my Library Thing account. I’ve still got one more plastic tub of books to go through, and now that I type this, I think that there are a couple of stray books in my bedroom. So, promptly after I close this, I’ll be grabbing the ones from my room and placing on the shelf. Because, let’s face it. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until those books are all in the proper place.

No, this is not a problem. And no, I don’t need a support group. Now therapy? That’s a whole different story.

xoxo
~stori

Okay, so… I’ve been very busy with reorganization, de-cluttering, cleaning, and all around sorting through the chaos of my home. See, I’ve been in this same apartment for 15 years. That’s right. FIFTEEN. YEARS. Do you know how much STUFF you accumulate in that time-frame?? Well, let me tell you how much. A LOT. That’s right, a lot. I have things (receipts) dating back to 1999. Why? Because when I first moved out into my own apartment, I was all about the independence. I remember, I was 17 and 1/2 and got my own apartment. It was awesome, to the finest degree. I didn’t move away to college, I moved out and treated the apartment like a dorm. Of course, one of the things my mom had told me was “Keep everything for your records’. What my mom forgot to tell me to do, was eventually, time to shred and get rid of those things. So, I had plastic boxes of things left over from utility bills, debit card purchases, and everything else you could possible think of. How, tack on 15 years of this, give or take, and you can only imagine. So, I’ve been in ‘that’ mode. Getting rid of the old, and preparing to bring in the new. And, I have to say… I feel very liberated. I’m debt free, with the exception of my car, and reorganizing and de-cluttering, really is helping me enjoy that feeling. DEBT. FREE. ME! How exciting is that??

Now, of course… Auzie (the most adorable puppy dog, EVER) is a bit — out of sorts. He suddenly has new places to explore, hide his toys, dig at the carpet (?), and run as fast as he can through the house. He’s happy, yet unsure. He keeps checking his toys, which now have this nifty blue basket to contain them. And while we are on the subject of containing, I’m working on teaching Auzie to put his toys back. I know, get ready to FAIL Stori. But, onward I go in teaching. Maybe this is how I will make it rich and retire.

More updates. The semester is over, and I’ve PASSED. I’m so happy to be over Math, that I can’t stand it. Sure, I use Math daily at work and in life, but — to be graded on it? DONE. Let’s take a moment to celebrate…. Thank you.

Now, onto the Laziness part. There are a few fellow bloggers, that I absolutely LOVE. I read their blogs often as possible. They inspire me in one way or another, and motivate me to want to write more. These are all good things. The thing is, I want to be lazy and sleep away a day or two, at least. But, I can’t. No, I sure can’t. These women post great things, and I just HAVE to read them instead of you know, that pesky sleep thing. So, I have to plug one of them here — and also to brag about how I’ve won TWO book giveaways from the wonderful MaNiC MoMMy. This lady is getting ready to move, across the country, and in the midst of all of this, has offered several Book Give-Aways. And, let’s face it.. Books + Free = Happy Stori. So, of course I’ve had to try to win every single one of them. Head over to her blog and check her out, she is funny and passionate. You will love her blog! So, thank you Stephanie for the great books! I can’t wait to read them!!

Okay, time to wrap up and get my booty in bed.

xoxo
~Stori

As the day is closing, I thought that I’d send out a Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mom’s out there. Even those who are just mom’s to their pets, today… they count.

The Mother’s Day brunch at the Alzheimer’s Center went well yesterday. My grandma, mom, and myself all went to visit my Papa. Of course, the moment we walked in and papa looked up and noticed us, emotion started pouring out. We visited, ate brunch, visited some more. It was hard though. I just wanted to take him home. This is a crazy struggle that we are all having to go through. So. very. hard.

Tomorrow, is Cody’s birthday. He would have been 15 years old. It’s hard to think about that. Me, having a 15 year old. I imagine what life would be like, if I still had him with me. How different everything would be. The things I’d be doing, places I’d be going, how I’d be acting. Where would we live, our lives so very different. He touched all of our loves, so much. I know, there’s a reason for everything… and I may never know what that reason is, but it’s there. I miss him. Every year, I wonder what it will be like when the anniversary of his passing approaches. Some years, are okay, time passes without too much utter emotional paralyzation. Other years it seems like it was just yesterday, and I have to keep reminding myself to just breathe. So, as I head to bed tonight, those thoughts are roaming around my head. And, I just wonder how tomorrow will be. I hope it’s a wonderful day, full of memories and love.

You know what I hate? Well, let me tell you.

When you have this blogpost, that you typed up in Word, and yet, it’s saved on your netbook and you are now on the desktop. And, well, you don’t really want to log into the netbook and email it to yourself, or even save it on a jumpdrive.

Ok, maybe it’s not technology’s fault, maybe it’s that I’m being lazy.

Yeah, lazy.

Step One: Breathe
Step Two: Pause….
Step Three: Try to remember step one again.

Stress has been a whole new level it feels like lately. Things have been thrown at me, that either I never thought I’d have to deal with, or was in denial of them ever happening.

Let me start by saying, I’ve decided to re-invent my blog. I’ve been working on updating the design, the content, the ‘message’ that it will be used for. I don’t know if this project of mine will work, or if it will end up to the side… again. But, I really do want to try to make it work. I want to be an author, I feel that I’m a writer, sure, but to be a published author would be one of my lifelong dreams. Will it happen? Who knows… but, it can’t hurt to try, right? So, this is where I start. I have to make an effort to try to post often. More than once or twice every six months. Hopefully this grand plan works out for me.

The semester is winding down, and I can’t be happier about that. I have one chapter quiz, and then my final. I’ll be done by May 8th. Thank God. This is the 3rd Math Class in a row that I’ve taken, and I’m really, just over it.

Work is plugging along. I have more facilities that are under my workload now (basically doubled what I had), and while it’s bad because of the stress, it is also good because it makes the days go by a little more quickly, and of course… more Money.

Now, onto the rough stuff. See, all of that, is easy compared to this.
It’s hard to say it, and for awhile I guess I was in denial about it all. But, here goes. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s. This really is a horrible disease. It hurts, not only the one who has it, but it’s so rough on the family. We’re confused, hurt, feel lost as well. My Papa has always been the rock and strength in my life. He was the first male figure in my life, and has always been my sense of stability. He was always there, always worked hard, always provided. He was the one who we all would look to for guidance in just about every facet of our life. It started out with minor memory loss, of course… “old age” right? It got worse over time, repeating something 8 to 10 times in a row, and each time it’s like it’s the first time it ever happened… “old age” right? Then, it went to his conversations being confusing, not making sense, acting as if his past reality, is his current reality… “old age” right? Oh, how we were all wrong. It’s Alzheimer’s. And it hurts. I hurt. Of course, it’s probably easiest on him, in the sense that this IS his reality, and it seems normal to him. It doesn’t appear to be *off* for him. It’s all of us, that are having to pretend, having to put ourselves in what he feels is the reality. Butterflies in the bed room, people that have passed still being alive, work that has to be done; and it’s hard to wrap your mind around those realities, when you want to just cry.

So, I started this blog this morning at 9:48am, before I had went to visit my Papa. I went with my Grandma and my Aunt P. We stayed for about 3 hours or so. It went fairly okay, given the circumstances. Luckily, Papa rested some which is so important, and it was great to see him smile a time or two. He’s got a smile that just warms your heart. After we got him settled in for dinner, we hugged and kissed goodbye, exchanged I loves you, and headed out. The moment that the center’s doors shut, I just cried. I know, odd time, odd place… and I know, without doubt, he’s being taken care of. He’s safe there. He’s getting the care he needs. I cried because … He’s my Papa. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know, what’s going on around me… I knew he was getting bad, but I didn’t know the absolutely degree until about 2 weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions. It’s effected me physically, and mentally, and especially emotionally. But you know? None of it even amounts to a fragment of what my Papa is going through. I grew up, thinking and feeling he hung the moon. Because to me? He did. He’s always been an amazing father to my mom and my aunts, an amazing husband to my grandma, and an amazing Papa to me. He still is. Even though, I know he’s not in his right mind, there is one thing that IS right, and that is his heart. And in his heart, if no where else, we are all there like we always have been, and where we always will be. His heart loves, and his heart knows we love him. But I digress… sorry, back to where I was going with that point. I cried. My Aunt P and Grandma hugged me while I just boo-hoo’d. I want to fix it, and I can’t. I want to help it, and I can’t. I’m powerless once again, by something that takes over and does what it wishes. And I hate that feeling. Powerless. With my beliefs as they are… I know, God’s will is what it is. And I know, He only gives us what we can handle. But, just this once, I want to cry and say… “I can’t handle this.” Instead, I dry the tears, squeeze each family member a little tighter, and make sure, they know how much I love them. And, together, we help guide each other through this. With the amazing strength, that we have always have together.

We are Family. We are LOVE.

xoxo,
~Stori

So, I tried to update my WordPress to Version 2.9.2, and MySQL to Version 5. I followed the instructions, really I did. But for some reason, I got stuck on exporting and importing data from MySQL 4.0 to 5.0. It just wouldn’t work. So, I restored my backup, and deleted the updates, I think. I’ll have to save it for a different day I suppose. I’ve thought about deleting everything and just starting fresh. But, I don’t really want to do that. I want to give the blog a fresh look, and would like to really start blogging again. So, we shall see. I’ll work again on it, at some point. Soon.

Well, Merry Christmas everyone! Hope that this holiday season is magical for you all.

I know, it’s been eons since I’ve written or updated anything here… I don’t really have an excuse, other than no motivation. I’m going to try though, I mean WordPress 2.9 is out, so I’ll update and then I’m trying to revamp the design, all for the first of the year. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m debating on changing the Blog Name title (yes, again). I don’t know. Some of the names that I’m debating on, are:

- Pretty Distraction (Just staying the same)
- Left Of Center
- A Fine Frenzy
- Crushed Violets
- Striped Sock Girl
- and, well, that’s it for now.

I just don’t know. My year started out rough, then worked into being really great.. .then, ended fairly sadly. Had a couple of deaths of either friends or friends’ family members. Relationships ended, loneliness sets in, and so forth. I’m hoping next year can start off with nothing but uplifting hopfulness. It’s greatly needed.