I wrote this blog on 06/04/10 at 12:30am. So, it’s likely to be rambling and not make much sense. I started to proof read it, which of course would lead to some re-writting. However, I decided to leave it as is. Raw emotion, the way that it felt in that moment. We laid my grandma to rest on June 3rd.
Phenomenal Woman.
Few of us are truly blessed enough to have someone so amazing, such as was my grandma. She devoted her life to her family, and helped fill us with unexplainable love. Memorial Day, Monday – May 31, 2010… My grandma left the earth to be with God. It sent my whole family, and our many beloved friends, into shock. And this shock, will continue for sometime. And that’s ok, our hearts are hurting because we miss her. Even in knowing she is with God, she’s out of any pain and stress, she is at peace, our hearts ache. We think of the past memories and smile on those treasured moments. We cry, thinking of the moments that we will never experience. Everyone stresses that she is at peace. And, believe me… I know that. And sure, it provides some comfort, in that moment. We use those words, those thoughts and beliefs to be strong for the others. We are all weak, and yet we are all strong.
Our family has always been full of love. We might not have lived in a mansion, or had designer things. But, one thing we always had an abundance of, is love. I hear stories of friends childhoods, and I feel so bad for them. I had an amazing childhood. Now, that does not mean we did not have struggles. We did, of course, like everyone. But our family was so connected, so close, so loved, that even those struggles only made us stronger. I never doubted my family’s love for me. Ever. I never worried or thought that they felt I wasn’t good enough. They made me feel that I was the most beautiful and amazing woman ever. But to me? The most amazing, beautiful, phenomenal woman I know… is my grandma. She always smiled, laughed, was happy. Everyone who ever met her, adored her. How could you not?
I think back, all the memories… I’m so blessed. So lucky. She didn’t hesitate in helping family, and even friends. Her home was always open, food was always given, without questions. For as far back as I can remember, my grandparents home was always busy. Family, friends, in and out… stopping by, working, etc. The moment you came in the door, you were offered something to drink.. something to eat… and to make yourself at home. At home; that is exactly what it was. Home.
She married my Papa, young. She did what they did in those days. Marry and have children, make a home. In some ways, those simple days are what I long for. I know, it wasn’t easy back then either… but, it seemed so genuine, so matter of fact. Today, there are too many gray areas.
My whole entire life, my grandparents were prominant in my life. I grew up being around them, pretty much every day. I was born with a hole in the center of the four chambers of my heart. I was the first born grandchild, born to the first born daughter. So of course, I was spoiled. And yes, I went through the ‘spoiled brat stage’. My family was with me and helping my mom, every step of the way. That’s what we do. We had struggles, as I mentioned before. My mom and I moved next door to my grandparents right before I started kindergarten, and I lived there until I moved out on my own at 17 and 1/2. When I was younger, this was wonderful. Who wouldn’t want to live next door to the grandparents?? For part of my life, I stayed with my grandparents, next door. My mom struggled with acholism, and was not able to take care of me. I’m proud to say she has been sober for 20 some years!! My dad (okay, biologically he’s my step-dad… however, that does NOT sound right at all. He IS my dad… period.) Anyway, he came into our life, and with his help and my grandparents, and aunts and uncles help, my mom won her battle. I’m so very proud of her. So when I became a pre-teen to teen… it was hard to live right next door. I felt, many times, that I had 4 parents. Looking back now, God how thankful I am that I did.
I know, I’m a granddaughter. I know that. But, sometimes it felt as if I was a daughter too. My grandma and papa always talk about ‘all of the girls’. For many years, that was my aunts, my mom, and me. When my aunt had her daughter, our ‘girls’ grew… happily. My papa was surrounded by women, but never once did he mind that. He had his girls. He still has his girls. A sample of the way my family is. We protect each other. One day we were all going to WalMart. My grandma was driving, and in the car was my mom, both of my aunts and myself. As we are driving in the parkinglot, my grandma pulled into a parking spot, a lady going the WRONG way, got mad cause grandma got the spot, and she honked and flipped my grandma off. Bad idea. My grandma barely got the car in park, and doors were open and my aunts, my mom, and myself were out of the car. My grandma saying to us “Now girls!!” Of course, we didn’t fight, or start a scene, but if looks could cause harm? That lady would be very bad off. We all laughed about it hours later, and every time we talked about it. Grandma told me, even recently, how she was just praying that we didn’t go in the store and start anything with her or get in any kind of trouble. But in our minds, we were protecting my grandma. That’s what we do.
There are so many stories, memories, little things to talk about. I’m going to miss being able to go over to her house, walk in and just sit there and watch tv. I’m going to miss yahtzee, cards, marbles. I’m going to miss the massive amounts of food that she made at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m going to miss her cooking, her stories, her smile, her voice, her laughter, her hugs… oh my God, her hugs. And above all, I’m going to miss her. I know she is always with me, and she always will be. And yes, she is safe, without pain and cancer, without stress and struggles and worries, she is at peace. But right now, my heart is aching, perhaps selfishly.. because that is my grandma. I hope that I can become even half the woman she was.
“Gemma” I love you. I miss you. I will carry you with me, always, always, always in my heart. Thank you, for being mine.
Rest peacefully and in love Grandma.
October 23, 1934 ~ May 31, 2010
Always love…
