•• Pretty Distraction ••

Tomorrow things go back to being ‘normal’. And by normal, I mean things are going back to how they have to be, minus a very big spot in my heart.

My aunts go home tomorrow, and I know they are so happy to get home… I know that their families want them home. I so understand that. Yet, for me, it’s like once they leave… I know things will go on. I won’t have something to keep me busy and to focus on, as much. I’ll have to go on about day to day life, without my grandma. I miss her so much. So very much. I’ll miss all the phone calls, the quick visits, the long visits, the holidays, the big hugs. I’ll go back to working normal, without family comfort at night. Of course, I have my mom and dad here, but the routines will be going back to normal. And, there will be more ‘missing’ time.

I’m strong, I know we are all strong… and we will pull through this and make it. I know that. But, God, I miss her so much…. and it’s hard to think about it all being over, and that I’ll have to hang onto the memories, and keep her close in my heart.

I’m trying to keep from having a panic attack. I feel this heaviness in my chest, and warm burning. I’m taking slow deep breaths, and repeating over and over that it will all be okay. Because, it will, won’t it…

I wrote this blog on 06/04/10 at 12:30am. So, it’s likely to be rambling and not make much sense. I started to proof read it, which of course would lead to some re-writting. However, I decided to leave it as is. Raw emotion, the way that it felt in that moment. We laid my grandma to rest on June 3rd.

Phenomenal Woman.

Few of us are truly blessed enough to have someone so amazing, such as was my grandma. She devoted her life to her family, and helped fill us with unexplainable love. Memorial Day, Monday - May 31, 2010… My grandma left the earth to be with God. It sent my whole family, and our many beloved friends, into shock. And this shock, will continue for sometime. And that’s ok, our hearts are hurting because we miss her. Even in knowing she is with God, she’s out of any pain and stress, she is at peace, our hearts ache. We think of the past memories and smile on those treasured moments. We cry, thinking of the moments that we will never experience. Everyone stresses that she is at peace. And, believe me… I know that. And sure, it provides some comfort, in that moment. We use those words, those thoughts and beliefs to be strong for the others. We are all weak, and yet we are all strong.

Our family has always been full of love. We might not have lived in a mansion, or had designer things. But, one thing we always had an abundance of, is love. I hear stories of friends childhoods, and I feel so bad for them. I had an amazing childhood. Now, that does not mean we did not have struggles. We did, of course, like everyone. But our family was so connected, so close, so loved, that even those struggles only made us stronger. I never doubted my family’s love for me. Ever. I never worried or thought that they felt I wasn’t good enough. They made me feel that I was the most beautiful and amazing woman ever. But to me? The most amazing, beautiful, phenomenal woman I know… is my grandma. She always smiled, laughed, was happy. Everyone who ever met her, adored her. How could you not?

I think back, all the memories… I’m so blessed. So lucky. She didn’t hesitate in helping family, and even friends. Her home was always open, food was always given, without questions. For as far back as I can remember, my grandparents home was always busy. Family, friends, in and out… stopping by, working, etc. The moment you came in the door, you were offered something to drink.. something to eat… and to make yourself at home. At home; that is exactly what it was. Home.

She married my Papa, young. She did what they did in those days. Marry and have children, make a home. In some ways, those simple days are what I long for. I know, it wasn’t easy back then either… but, it seemed so genuine, so matter of fact. Today, there are too many gray areas.

My whole entire life, my grandparents were prominant in my life. I grew up being around them, pretty much every day. I was born with a hole in the center of the four chambers of my heart. I was the first born grandchild, born to the first born daughter. So of course, I was spoiled. And yes, I went through the ’spoiled brat stage’. My family was with me and helping my mom, every step of the way. That’s what we do. We had struggles, as I mentioned before. My mom and I moved next door to my grandparents right before I started kindergarten, and I lived there until I moved out on my own at 17 and 1/2. When I was younger, this was wonderful. Who wouldn’t want to live next door to the grandparents?? For part of my life, I stayed with my grandparents, next door. My mom struggled with acholism, and was not able to take care of me. I’m proud to say she has been sober for 20 some years!! My dad (okay, biologically he’s my step-dad… however, that does NOT sound right at all. He IS my dad… period.) Anyway, he came into our life, and with his help and my grandparents, and aunts and uncles help, my mom won her battle. I’m so very proud of her. So when I became a pre-teen to teen… it was hard to live right next door. I felt, many times, that I had 4 parents. Looking back now, God how thankful I am that I did.

I know, I’m a granddaughter. I know that. But, sometimes it felt as if I was a daughter too. My grandma and papa always talk about ‘all of the girls’. For many years, that was my aunts, my mom, and me. When my aunt had her daughter, our ‘girls’ grew… happily. My papa was surrounded by women, but never once did he mind that. He had his girls. He still has his girls. A sample of the way my family is. We protect each other. One day we were all going to WalMart. My grandma was driving, and in the car was my mom, both of my aunts and myself. As we are driving in the parkinglot, my grandma pulled into a parking spot, a lady going the WRONG way, got mad cause grandma got the spot, and she honked and flipped my grandma off. Bad idea. My grandma barely got the car in park, and doors were open and my aunts, my mom, and myself were out of the car. My grandma saying to us “Now girls!!” Of course, we didn’t fight, or start a scene, but if looks could cause harm? That lady would be very bad off. We all laughed about it hours later, and every time we talked about it. Grandma told me, even recently, how she was just praying that we didn’t go in the store and start anything with her or get in any kind of trouble. But in our minds, we were protecting my grandma. That’s what we do.

There are so many stories, memories, little things to talk about. I’m going to miss being able to go over to her house, walk in and just sit there and watch tv. I’m going to miss yahtzee, cards, marbles. I’m going to miss the massive amounts of food that she made at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m going to miss her cooking, her stories, her smile, her voice, her laughter, her hugs… oh my God, her hugs. And above all, I’m going to miss her. I know she is always with me, and she always will be. And yes, she is safe, without pain and cancer, without stress and struggles and worries, she is at peace. But right now, my heart is aching, perhaps selfishly.. because that is my grandma. I hope that I can become even half the woman she was.

“Gemma” I love you. I miss you. I will carry you with me, always, always, always in my heart. Thank you, for being mine.

Rest peacefully and in love Grandma.
October 23, 1934 ~ May 31, 2010

Always love…

Step One: Breathe
Step Two: Pause….
Step Three: Try to remember step one again.

Stress has been a whole new level it feels like lately. Things have been thrown at me, that either I never thought I’d have to deal with, or was in denial of them ever happening.

Let me start by saying, I’ve decided to re-invent my blog. I’ve been working on updating the design, the content, the ‘message’ that it will be used for. I don’t know if this project of mine will work, or if it will end up to the side… again. But, I really do want to try to make it work. I want to be an author, I feel that I’m a writer, sure, but to be a published author would be one of my lifelong dreams. Will it happen? Who knows… but, it can’t hurt to try, right? So, this is where I start. I have to make an effort to try to post often. More than once or twice every six months. Hopefully this grand plan works out for me.

The semester is winding down, and I can’t be happier about that. I have one chapter quiz, and then my final. I’ll be done by May 8th. Thank God. This is the 3rd Math Class in a row that I’ve taken, and I’m really, just over it.

Work is plugging along. I have more facilities that are under my workload now (basically doubled what I had), and while it’s bad because of the stress, it is also good because it makes the days go by a little more quickly, and of course… more Money.

Now, onto the rough stuff. See, all of that, is easy compared to this.
It’s hard to say it, and for awhile I guess I was in denial about it all. But, here goes. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s. This really is a horrible disease. It hurts, not only the one who has it, but it’s so rough on the family. We’re confused, hurt, feel lost as well. My Papa has always been the rock and strength in my life. He was the first male figure in my life, and has always been my sense of stability. He was always there, always worked hard, always provided. He was the one who we all would look to for guidance in just about every facet of our life. It started out with minor memory loss, of course… “old age” right? It got worse over time, repeating something 8 to 10 times in a row, and each time it’s like it’s the first time it ever happened… “old age” right? Then, it went to his conversations being confusing, not making sense, acting as if his past reality, is his current reality… “old age” right? Oh, how we were all wrong. It’s Alzheimer’s. And it hurts. I hurt. Of course, it’s probably easiest on him, in the sense that this IS his reality, and it seems normal to him. It doesn’t appear to be *off* for him. It’s all of us, that are having to pretend, having to put ourselves in what he feels is the reality. Butterflies in the bed room, people that have passed still being alive, work that has to be done; and it’s hard to wrap your mind around those realities, when you want to just cry.

So, I started this blog this morning at 9:48am, before I had went to visit my Papa. I went with my Grandma and my Aunt P. We stayed for about 3 hours or so. It went fairly okay, given the circumstances. Luckily, Papa rested some which is so important, and it was great to see him smile a time or two. He’s got a smile that just warms your heart. After we got him settled in for dinner, we hugged and kissed goodbye, exchanged I loves you, and headed out. The moment that the center’s doors shut, I just cried. I know, odd time, odd place… and I know, without doubt, he’s being taken care of. He’s safe there. He’s getting the care he needs. I cried because … He’s my Papa. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know, what’s going on around me… I knew he was getting bad, but I didn’t know the absolutely degree until about 2 weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions. It’s effected me physically, and mentally, and especially emotionally. But you know? None of it even amounts to a fragment of what my Papa is going through. I grew up, thinking and feeling he hung the moon. Because to me? He did. He’s always been an amazing father to my mom and my aunts, an amazing husband to my grandma, and an amazing Papa to me. He still is. Even though, I know he’s not in his right mind, there is one thing that IS right, and that is his heart. And in his heart, if no where else, we are all there like we always have been, and where we always will be. His heart loves, and his heart knows we love him. But I digress… sorry, back to where I was going with that point. I cried. My Aunt P and Grandma hugged me while I just boo-hoo’d. I want to fix it, and I can’t. I want to help it, and I can’t. I’m powerless once again, by something that takes over and does what it wishes. And I hate that feeling. Powerless. With my beliefs as they are… I know, God’s will is what it is. And I know, He only gives us what we can handle. But, just this once, I want to cry and say… “I can’t handle this.” Instead, I dry the tears, squeeze each family member a little tighter, and make sure, they know how much I love them. And, together, we help guide each other through this. With the amazing strength, that we have always have together.

We are Family. We are LOVE.

xoxo,
~Stori

Happy Mother’s day all you mother’s out there. Past, present, future. Whether you are an adoptive mother, someone who is in the role of being a mom even though you aren’t, or you are a mother in anyway… today is your day. I hope that you have it full of love and laughter. Take time to enjoy it. You’ve earned it!

Today, my son would have been 15 years old. It’s been a reflective day for me, thinking about how different my life would be right now. I go through phases of.. am I still a mom, can I still celebrate those joys? I know, once a mom… always a mom, but there are times that I think it’s silly of me to celebrate. I only had 16 days with my son. I wouldn’t give up anything in the world to have missed those days though. I carried him, felt him, loved him for 9 months and 16 days. And, even if I knew the outcome would be the same, I wouldn’t change it for a second. The most beautiful and special boy in the world was a part of my life, and will always live on in my heart.

I look around and see children, teens, adults, fighting with their parents and family members, and I hate it. Do they not realize the precious gift that they have right there in front of them? Put aside all those silly differences, all the unimportant disagreements… cherish the time you have. It can all be gone in a blink of an eye, and  you don’t want to sit there and think.. ‘if only I would have said this or that, did this or that.” Make the best of the here and now.

~steps off my soapbox~

Anyway, have a very Happy Mother’s Day!!

xoxo, ~pretty

What is it about books? I find myself, almost, addicted to them. I mean, my “To Be Read” pile is huge. My “I really want to read these” pile is even larger. And, my “These are Next, honest” pile is the largest of all. It’s almost like I can’t help myself. I love going to Barnes & Noble and Borders. However, I think that I enjoy myself most when I’m inside the walls of used bookstores. They are my favorite places to drift off into a different reality. So many books, so many unusal topics, mixed with the classics, and all for a low price. I mean really, who else can have a discounted addiction?

It never fails, at least once (usually more) a month I find myself at each of the used bookstores in my area. There’s one more that I go to about once every 6 months (it’s a little further away). And, without fail, everytime I go to Texas to visit my aunt R, we always go to the Halfprice bookstore. It’s a blast! I think we finally have it set in our minds now, that the prices of those books aren’t marked with pretty colorful dots, nor complicated charts…. if you want to know the price of those books among the shelves, teh ones that aren’t marked? Well, you just simply look at the title of the store. Halfpriced Books. — I can’t tell you how many times the first couple of times we went there, that was the question that always seemed to come up. But now? Now, we are experts!

This has been a good weekend. The wather was wonderful. The storms that we’ve had lately seemed to have just disappeared… at least for the weekend.

My weekend started out wonderfully. I had a decent day at work (something that doesn’t happen that often), relaxed Friday night. On Saturday morning I got up early, took my shower and got ready. I attended a Garden Party with a few of my friends. There were four of us girls, and we met up at one of the girls, M’s, house. It was beautiful. We had colorful dishes and napkins, she baked a magnificent quiche, some delicious mushroom caps that were stuffed with a cheese and baked, she mixed a delightful champagne punch, that just oozed SUMMER. One of the girls brought some delicious scones that were cinnamon and raisin, and the other girl brought a Lemon Triffle. We ate outside on her patio, and enjoyed the sun and food. After a brief encounter with the *mister* that was aligning her patio, and then the frog that tried to ATTACK ME!, okay.. the frog didn’t REALLY try to attack me… but, it did eye me!, we decided to drag our chairs out under one of her huge shade trees. Once under the tree, the weather was perfect. There was just a slight breeze every now and then, to cool us off, and the sun still kept us warm. M’s garden is just beautiful. The colors were so vivid and varied, the bird baths that were all over, the whole atmosphere gave me sucha  peace. I’m not an ‘outside’ person at all. Nature and I, ususally don’t get along. However, being there, with the delicious food, the beautiful surroundings, and of course… the laughter with friends, made for a wonderful day. I love gathering with friends, when you can go from talking about books, music, movies and then go to talking about sex, to relationships, to everything… THOSE are the friends that you treasure and you keep close. They are rare finds, and I’m so blessed to have found so many wonderful, inspirational, women to have in my life.

I visited with my mom and dad before the Garden Party, and then again after it. My mom is my best friend. Without a doubt. Later Saturday night, my aunt and uncle came into town for the night.. My uncle is going to roof my great-aunt (my grandma’s twin)’s house in a couple of weeks and they were down to measure the roof for her. I went back over to my grandparents and visited with everyone some more.

Mothers Day began with a nice breakfast with my grandma and my aunt. My mom wasn’t feeling too well, so she didn’t join us.   Then we had a fun-filled (and exhausting) trip to Wal-Mart. We shopped some, and then headed home so they could get on the road. Then, a trip to the Mall and to the Apple Store, for my very FIRST — OFFICIAL iPod. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. I have had many mp3 players, but this is my FIRST iPod. It’s cute, it’s silver, and it’s a 2G iPod Nano. I could have gotten a larger one, but this one is just fine…. well, at least for now.   The day ended with some Bath & Body Works, some Tupperware, and a delicious dinner.

Now, I’m exhausted and my body aches from all the running around. (I think that I’m getting old, surely this is a sign). It’s time to get things ready for bed.

I hope that you all had a wonderful weekend… regardless if you celebrated Mothers Day or not, it should be enjoyed.

I sometimes feel that I’m living in the wrong place. I could invision myself in someplace fantastic like… Las Vegas, or New York. Though I’ve never been to New York, so my idea of what it’s like there is like two ends of a spectrum. See, there’s the “Sex and the City” type of New York.. THAT’s where I’d like to be. Writing a sex column, living in a nice brownstone, etc. Then of course, there is that other end of the spectrum.. the one that is the rough area, and I’d have to worry about peeking out my window. Yeah, that one? I don’t want to live there. -laughs-  However, I have been to Las Vegas, and I love it. No, really… I LOVE it. I like the excitement, the lights, the action, the atmosphere, and who wouldn’t like to be able to say they are from some place exciting like VEGAS BABY! Oh, but no. That’s not my reality. See, I’m trapped (yes, trapped lol) in a middle of nowhere. Oh sure, we are a ‘city’ and there are a few things here to do. But, in my dreams I’m living in Vegas or NYC. I also have an odd fascination with Ivy League Schools. Mainly Harvard and Yale. Ahhh, to go back and do it all over again.

Now, back to reality… I’m in Oklahoma. And, you know.. we are “OK”. In all seriousness, there are some things that are nice about Oklahoma. The cost of living is fairly low, people are extremely friendly and love to talk, we have casinos (on Indian Land), we can NOW get TATTOOs! (that’s right, welcome to the real world now baby!), we have the lottery (there’s still hope of me winning my millions), and our Bricktown is now becoming a ‘mini’ San Antonio or West End.

Until that day that I’m living in a Dream City, I’ll be here… coming to you from Oklahoma, as if I’m living in the places that I dream of. And I’ll keep being that “City Girl” that’s from a not-so-big city for now.