•• Pretty Distraction ••

As the day is closing, I thought that I’d send out a Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mom’s out there. Even those who are just mom’s to their pets, today… they count.

The Mother’s Day brunch at the Alzheimer’s Center went well yesterday. My grandma, mom, and myself all went to visit my Papa. Of course, the moment we walked in and papa looked up and noticed us, emotion started pouring out. We visited, ate brunch, visited some more. It was hard though. I just wanted to take him home. This is a crazy struggle that we are all having to go through. So. very. hard.

Tomorrow, is Cody’s birthday. He would have been 15 years old. It’s hard to think about that. Me, having a 15 year old. I imagine what life would be like, if I still had him with me. How different everything would be. The things I’d be doing, places I’d be going, how I’d be acting. Where would we live, our lives so very different. He touched all of our loves, so much. I know, there’s a reason for everything… and I may never know what that reason is, but it’s there. I miss him. Every year, I wonder what it will be like when the anniversary of his passing approaches. Some years, are okay, time passes without too much utter emotional paralyzation. Other years it seems like it was just yesterday, and I have to keep reminding myself to just breathe. So, as I head to bed tonight, those thoughts are roaming around my head. And, I just wonder how tomorrow will be. I hope it’s a wonderful day, full of memories and love.

Step One: Breathe
Step Two: Pause….
Step Three: Try to remember step one again.

Stress has been a whole new level it feels like lately. Things have been thrown at me, that either I never thought I’d have to deal with, or was in denial of them ever happening.

Let me start by saying, I’ve decided to re-invent my blog. I’ve been working on updating the design, the content, the ‘message’ that it will be used for. I don’t know if this project of mine will work, or if it will end up to the side… again. But, I really do want to try to make it work. I want to be an author, I feel that I’m a writer, sure, but to be a published author would be one of my lifelong dreams. Will it happen? Who knows… but, it can’t hurt to try, right? So, this is where I start. I have to make an effort to try to post often. More than once or twice every six months. Hopefully this grand plan works out for me.

The semester is winding down, and I can’t be happier about that. I have one chapter quiz, and then my final. I’ll be done by May 8th. Thank God. This is the 3rd Math Class in a row that I’ve taken, and I’m really, just over it.

Work is plugging along. I have more facilities that are under my workload now (basically doubled what I had), and while it’s bad because of the stress, it is also good because it makes the days go by a little more quickly, and of course… more Money.

Now, onto the rough stuff. See, all of that, is easy compared to this.
It’s hard to say it, and for awhile I guess I was in denial about it all. But, here goes. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s. This really is a horrible disease. It hurts, not only the one who has it, but it’s so rough on the family. We’re confused, hurt, feel lost as well. My Papa has always been the rock and strength in my life. He was the first male figure in my life, and has always been my sense of stability. He was always there, always worked hard, always provided. He was the one who we all would look to for guidance in just about every facet of our life. It started out with minor memory loss, of course… “old age” right? It got worse over time, repeating something 8 to 10 times in a row, and each time it’s like it’s the first time it ever happened… “old age” right? Then, it went to his conversations being confusing, not making sense, acting as if his past reality, is his current reality… “old age” right? Oh, how we were all wrong. It’s Alzheimer’s. And it hurts. I hurt. Of course, it’s probably easiest on him, in the sense that this IS his reality, and it seems normal to him. It doesn’t appear to be *off* for him. It’s all of us, that are having to pretend, having to put ourselves in what he feels is the reality. Butterflies in the bed room, people that have passed still being alive, work that has to be done; and it’s hard to wrap your mind around those realities, when you want to just cry.

So, I started this blog this morning at 9:48am, before I had went to visit my Papa. I went with my Grandma and my Aunt P. We stayed for about 3 hours or so. It went fairly okay, given the circumstances. Luckily, Papa rested some which is so important, and it was great to see him smile a time or two. He’s got a smile that just warms your heart. After we got him settled in for dinner, we hugged and kissed goodbye, exchanged I loves you, and headed out. The moment that the center’s doors shut, I just cried. I know, odd time, odd place… and I know, without doubt, he’s being taken care of. He’s safe there. He’s getting the care he needs. I cried because … He’s my Papa. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know, what’s going on around me… I knew he was getting bad, but I didn’t know the absolutely degree until about 2 weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions. It’s effected me physically, and mentally, and especially emotionally. But you know? None of it even amounts to a fragment of what my Papa is going through. I grew up, thinking and feeling he hung the moon. Because to me? He did. He’s always been an amazing father to my mom and my aunts, an amazing husband to my grandma, and an amazing Papa to me. He still is. Even though, I know he’s not in his right mind, there is one thing that IS right, and that is his heart. And in his heart, if no where else, we are all there like we always have been, and where we always will be. His heart loves, and his heart knows we love him. But I digress… sorry, back to where I was going with that point. I cried. My Aunt P and Grandma hugged me while I just boo-hoo’d. I want to fix it, and I can’t. I want to help it, and I can’t. I’m powerless once again, by something that takes over and does what it wishes. And I hate that feeling. Powerless. With my beliefs as they are… I know, God’s will is what it is. And I know, He only gives us what we can handle. But, just this once, I want to cry and say… “I can’t handle this.” Instead, I dry the tears, squeeze each family member a little tighter, and make sure, they know how much I love them. And, together, we help guide each other through this. With the amazing strength, that we have always have together.

We are Family. We are LOVE.

xoxo,
~Stori

Happy Mother’s day all you mother’s out there. Past, present, future. Whether you are an adoptive mother, someone who is in the role of being a mom even though you aren’t, or you are a mother in anyway… today is your day. I hope that you have it full of love and laughter. Take time to enjoy it. You’ve earned it!

Today, my son would have been 15 years old. It’s been a reflective day for me, thinking about how different my life would be right now. I go through phases of.. am I still a mom, can I still celebrate those joys? I know, once a mom… always a mom, but there are times that I think it’s silly of me to celebrate. I only had 16 days with my son. I wouldn’t give up anything in the world to have missed those days though. I carried him, felt him, loved him for 9 months and 16 days. And, even if I knew the outcome would be the same, I wouldn’t change it for a second. The most beautiful and special boy in the world was a part of my life, and will always live on in my heart.

I look around and see children, teens, adults, fighting with their parents and family members, and I hate it. Do they not realize the precious gift that they have right there in front of them? Put aside all those silly differences, all the unimportant disagreements… cherish the time you have. It can all be gone in a blink of an eye, and  you don’t want to sit there and think.. ‘if only I would have said this or that, did this or that.” Make the best of the here and now.

~steps off my soapbox~

Anyway, have a very Happy Mother’s Day!!

xoxo, ~pretty

I got home from Texas on Sunday evening. It was a great mini-vacation, and I had much needed laughter and relaxation and of course shopping. Monday night Oklahoma got hit with some sleet, ice, and snow. So, of course… things practically shut down. Schools were closed on Tuesday and the roads were bad. I didn’t get much snow around me, only a light layer.. most of what I got was sleet and ice. So, needless to say… I stayed home. It was nice. I watched some TV shows that I had DVR’d. I really don’t know how I survived before without this invention? I mean, seriously. Who doesn’t like to zoom past the bad commercials? Or maybe rewind and catch that song or word again? It’s Heaven, with a capital H.  This morning the roads were still a little slick, so I went in late, only about an hour and half late.. so not too bad. Of course, my workload will suffer, because I left work Monday 2 hours early due to the storm coming in. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the winter. I love the snow and the gray skies, I’m weird like that. I just don’t like having to get out and drive in it. As long as I can stay home, I’m good!

I have to play catch up with school work. I have 2 assignments from last week, and then 4 from this week to get completed. Each lecture is about 45 minutes long, and each homework assignment takes about an hour or so to do. Ugh!!

Well, I’m another year older. Whee.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a nice day. Had a nice brunch, did some shopping, spent some time around family, and then a nice dinner.

Today, I’ve been lazy… laying around watching movies (The Women), watching trashy reality TV (The Real Housewives of Atlanta), and chatted some.

I know, I can hardly contain the excitement, too.

This has been a good weekend. The wather was wonderful. The storms that we’ve had lately seemed to have just disappeared… at least for the weekend.

My weekend started out wonderfully. I had a decent day at work (something that doesn’t happen that often), relaxed Friday night. On Saturday morning I got up early, took my shower and got ready. I attended a Garden Party with a few of my friends. There were four of us girls, and we met up at one of the girls, M’s, house. It was beautiful. We had colorful dishes and napkins, she baked a magnificent quiche, some delicious mushroom caps that were stuffed with a cheese and baked, she mixed a delightful champagne punch, that just oozed SUMMER. One of the girls brought some delicious scones that were cinnamon and raisin, and the other girl brought a Lemon Triffle. We ate outside on her patio, and enjoyed the sun and food. After a brief encounter with the *mister* that was aligning her patio, and then the frog that tried to ATTACK ME!, okay.. the frog didn’t REALLY try to attack me… but, it did eye me!, we decided to drag our chairs out under one of her huge shade trees. Once under the tree, the weather was perfect. There was just a slight breeze every now and then, to cool us off, and the sun still kept us warm. M’s garden is just beautiful. The colors were so vivid and varied, the bird baths that were all over, the whole atmosphere gave me sucha  peace. I’m not an ‘outside’ person at all. Nature and I, ususally don’t get along. However, being there, with the delicious food, the beautiful surroundings, and of course… the laughter with friends, made for a wonderful day. I love gathering with friends, when you can go from talking about books, music, movies and then go to talking about sex, to relationships, to everything… THOSE are the friends that you treasure and you keep close. They are rare finds, and I’m so blessed to have found so many wonderful, inspirational, women to have in my life.

I visited with my mom and dad before the Garden Party, and then again after it. My mom is my best friend. Without a doubt. Later Saturday night, my aunt and uncle came into town for the night.. My uncle is going to roof my great-aunt (my grandma’s twin)’s house in a couple of weeks and they were down to measure the roof for her. I went back over to my grandparents and visited with everyone some more.

Mothers Day began with a nice breakfast with my grandma and my aunt. My mom wasn’t feeling too well, so she didn’t join us.   Then we had a fun-filled (and exhausting) trip to Wal-Mart. We shopped some, and then headed home so they could get on the road. Then, a trip to the Mall and to the Apple Store, for my very FIRST — OFFICIAL iPod. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. I have had many mp3 players, but this is my FIRST iPod. It’s cute, it’s silver, and it’s a 2G iPod Nano. I could have gotten a larger one, but this one is just fine…. well, at least for now.   The day ended with some Bath & Body Works, some Tupperware, and a delicious dinner.

Now, I’m exhausted and my body aches from all the running around. (I think that I’m getting old, surely this is a sign). It’s time to get things ready for bed.

I hope that you all had a wonderful weekend… regardless if you celebrated Mothers Day or not, it should be enjoyed.

Just a few random thoughts…

True poets don’t write their thoughts with a pen…
They realize the ink that flows from within their heart.

If you really love someone, Then distance matters only to the mind… not to the heart.

A woman should have….
One old love she can imagine going back to…
And one who reminds her how far she has come…
And how far she has yet to go.

Sometimes relationships are like broken glass…It would be more painful to put it back together than just to let it be.

No, these are not my words… just words that have touched me at one point or another. I love quotes, lyrics, and words. So much expression can be said in the simplest of words.

Today was an okay day. Nothing special. Went and did some running around to a few stores.. the mall, circuit city, etc. I’m dreading work. I fought a migraine all day yesterday, it was horrible. I ended up taking two doses of my medicine, which eventually knocked me out, so I feel like I lost part of my weekend. — and now, I’m relaxing while Desperate Housewives is DVRing, and I’m listening to some Joss Stone.

Remember, tomorrow is the Blog Silence Day. So, I won’t be posting tomorrow for sure.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend. Maybe I’ll have something worthy of content soon… I have GOT to get over this FUNK! (And, I will!)

2/182

That’s right. “T” Day. For those that don’t know, that’s Tax Day.

So, I had been putting off filing my taxes since early February. I know, I know. But see, it’s a matter of being annoyed. I find it very frusterating that I always…. always, end up owing State Tax. It makes no sense what.so.ever.! — I pay state tax ALL year long, sales tax, etc. Also, they deduct State Tax from my paycheck. So, it is not logical to ME that I have to pay….. MORE at the end of the year. What benefit am I getting? None that I can see. I have no children in school — our roads have been ‘construction zones’ since I was born — Nothing is getting any cheaper. The other reason I had been putting it off, is that I like to file electronically. And using some place like TurboTax usually can be costly (Around $49.95 for Federal and $29.95 for State). Occasionally they have a sale.. but, I always seem to miss those. So, I put off searching for something cheaper.. or hey.. even free. Tonight, I finally remembered a site that I heard on the TV and the radio… it’s called TaxAct. I was able to figure and file both my Federal & State returns for only $15.95!! I was so happy. Of course — that owing state thing sucked my joy right out of my lil heart.

I’m thinking it may be time to pack up things and MOVE! I know other states do not have state taxes.

Sheesh. I can’t believe that the weekend is already over. Tomorrow morning the work week is starting again. I’m still unsure of when I’ll be at the new facility. Only information that I’m given is that I *should* know in plenty of time to say goodbye to my friends where I’m currently at. I hate that idea, honestly. I enjoy (well, as much as you can really enjoy work) the place that I’m at. The people are great (98% of them anyway); the office is nice, the location (sure, I’m only moving a block away, that’s not the point). However, the atomosphere will be different. *shrugs* I guess I’ll get used to it. I have no choice.

Friday night wasn’t too bad. I talked to a friend who had somewhat disappeared from my life for awhile. It was nice to talk to him. He’s one of those friends that I will always be freinds with. Regardless of what’s going on in either of lives, there will always be some connection there. Memories, etc. We didn’t talk for long, but it was nice to know he’s still around, and that he still remembers me. For so long, I’ve thought he forgot who I was.

Yesterday was decent to. I went to visit my parents and grandparents for awhile, and it was nice. I always enjoy the time that I get to spend with them. And, I don’t get to visit them that often, even though they live like 5 minutes from my house. I’m working on changing that. — Last night, I ended up with a migraine. Ugh. I’m so tired of the migraines. I take medicine for them, and it helps… ususally. You would think that I’d be used to them, because I’ve had them most of my life. That’s just a pain that you don’t get used to though. So, I took my medicine (ended up taking two doses) and then fell asleep. Looks like next weekend, I’ll have to have my gallon couple of glasses of wine.

So, it looks like the facility change at work is inevitiable. Sure, there are a couple of good points, but there are *so* many bad ones as well. Not only did they increase my facilities that I visit, now they are moving me out of my comfort zone. I’ve become content where I’m at. The people, the processes, the workload, everything. And now, they are moving me — more stress, heavier workload, and working with someone that I used to work with a long time ago, that didn’t always go so well. Ugh. It’s very frusterating to me. I want to be in MY place and working on my OWN. But, of course — I wasn’t given any choice in those matters. So yeah. Not happy about that at all.

School is going okay. Parts of it is pretty boring, but it’s not too difficult yet so that’s always good.

I had a wonderful weekend. I went to my Aunt & Uncles in Texas. I absolutely love it down there. I’m not sure what it is about being down there, but it just feels a little less stressful for me. Life seems easier for me when I’m down there. Sure, it might be because it’s just visiting and it’s not me living down there. But I can’t help but become intrigued by the ease of it all. Maybe it’s all because I feel that I’m in a rut, and I don’t like it.

I mean really, is it so hard to want to be able to write for a living, or photography, just something creative. To no longer work *for* someone else, and to work at doing something that *I* want? Is it so hard to dream about winning the lottery so that I can do just that. So that I can also take trips to fantastic places, and see interesting things, and to. not. worry. about things like money and jobs and being stuck.