You know what I hate? Well, let me tell you.
When you have this blogpost, that you typed up in Word, and yet, it’s saved on your netbook and you are now on the desktop. And, well, you don’t really want to log into the netbook and email it to yourself, or even save it on a jumpdrive.
Ok, maybe it’s not technology’s fault, maybe it’s that I’m being lazy.
Yeah, lazy.
Step One: Breathe
Step Two: Pause….
Step Three: Try to remember step one again.
Stress has been a whole new level it feels like lately. Things have been thrown at me, that either I never thought I’d have to deal with, or was in denial of them ever happening.
Let me start by saying, I’ve decided to re-invent my blog. I’ve been working on updating the design, the content, the ‘message’ that it will be used for. I don’t know if this project of mine will work, or if it will end up to the side… again. But, I really do want to try to make it work. I want to be an author, I feel that I’m a writer, sure, but to be a published author would be one of my lifelong dreams. Will it happen? Who knows… but, it can’t hurt to try, right? So, this is where I start. I have to make an effort to try to post often. More than once or twice every six months. Hopefully this grand plan works out for me.
The semester is winding down, and I can’t be happier about that. I have one chapter quiz, and then my final. I’ll be done by May 8th. Thank God. This is the 3rd Math Class in a row that I’ve taken, and I’m really, just over it.
Work is plugging along. I have more facilities that are under my workload now (basically doubled what I had), and while it’s bad because of the stress, it is also good because it makes the days go by a little more quickly, and of course… more Money.
Now, onto the rough stuff. See, all of that, is easy compared to this.
It’s hard to say it, and for awhile I guess I was in denial about it all. But, here goes. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s. This really is a horrible disease. It hurts, not only the one who has it, but it’s so rough on the family. We’re confused, hurt, feel lost as well. My Papa has always been the rock and strength in my life. He was the first male figure in my life, and has always been my sense of stability. He was always there, always worked hard, always provided. He was the one who we all would look to for guidance in just about every facet of our life. It started out with minor memory loss, of course… “old age” right? It got worse over time, repeating something 8 to 10 times in a row, and each time it’s like it’s the first time it ever happened… “old age” right? Then, it went to his conversations being confusing, not making sense, acting as if his past reality, is his current reality… “old age” right? Oh, how we were all wrong. It’s Alzheimer’s. And it hurts. I hurt. Of course, it’s probably easiest on him, in the sense that this IS his reality, and it seems normal to him. It doesn’t appear to be *off* for him. It’s all of us, that are having to pretend, having to put ourselves in what he feels is the reality. Butterflies in the bed room, people that have passed still being alive, work that has to be done; and it’s hard to wrap your mind around those realities, when you want to just cry.
So, I started this blog this morning at 9:48am, before I had went to visit my Papa. I went with my Grandma and my Aunt P. We stayed for about 3 hours or so. It went fairly okay, given the circumstances. Luckily, Papa rested some which is so important, and it was great to see him smile a time or two. He’s got a smile that just warms your heart. After we got him settled in for dinner, we hugged and kissed goodbye, exchanged I loves you, and headed out. The moment that the center’s doors shut, I just cried. I know, odd time, odd place… and I know, without doubt, he’s being taken care of. He’s safe there. He’s getting the care he needs. I cried because … He’s my Papa. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know, what’s going on around me… I knew he was getting bad, but I didn’t know the absolutely degree until about 2 weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions. It’s effected me physically, and mentally, and especially emotionally. But you know? None of it even amounts to a fragment of what my Papa is going through. I grew up, thinking and feeling he hung the moon. Because to me? He did. He’s always been an amazing father to my mom and my aunts, an amazing husband to my grandma, and an amazing Papa to me. He still is. Even though, I know he’s not in his right mind, there is one thing that IS right, and that is his heart. And in his heart, if no where else, we are all there like we always have been, and where we always will be. His heart loves, and his heart knows we love him. But I digress… sorry, back to where I was going with that point. I cried. My Aunt P and Grandma hugged me while I just boo-hoo’d. I want to fix it, and I can’t. I want to help it, and I can’t. I’m powerless once again, by something that takes over and does what it wishes. And I hate that feeling. Powerless. With my beliefs as they are… I know, God’s will is what it is. And I know, He only gives us what we can handle. But, just this once, I want to cry and say… “I can’t handle this.” Instead, I dry the tears, squeeze each family member a little tighter, and make sure, they know how much I love them. And, together, we help guide each other through this. With the amazing strength, that we have always have together.
We are Family. We are LOVE.
xoxo,
~Stori
So, I tried to update my WordPress to Version 2.9.2, and MySQL to Version 5. I followed the instructions, really I did. But for some reason, I got stuck on exporting and importing data from MySQL 4.0 to 5.0. It just wouldn’t work. So, I restored my backup, and deleted the updates, I think. I’ll have to save it for a different day I suppose. I’ve thought about deleting everything and just starting fresh. But, I don’t really want to do that. I want to give the blog a fresh look, and would like to really start blogging again. So, we shall see. I’ll work again on it, at some point. Soon.
Well, Merry Christmas everyone! Hope that this holiday season is magical for you all. 
I know, it’s been eons since I’ve written or updated anything here… I don’t really have an excuse, other than no motivation. I’m going to try though, I mean WordPress 2.9 is out, so I’ll update and then I’m trying to revamp the design, all for the first of the year. We’ll see how that goes.
I’m debating on changing the Blog Name title (yes, again). I don’t know. Some of the names that I’m debating on, are:
- Pretty Distraction (Just staying the same)
- Left Of Center
- A Fine Frenzy
- Crushed Violets
- Striped Sock Girl
- and, well, that’s it for now.
I just don’t know. My year started out rough, then worked into being really great.. .then, ended fairly sadly. Had a couple of deaths of either friends or friends’ family members. Relationships ended, loneliness sets in, and so forth. I’m hoping next year can start off with nothing but uplifting hopfulness. It’s greatly needed.
Hello Internet,
Long time no type, talk, see, etc. Just a quick note to state that I’m planning on some changes regarding this blog. Basically, I’m going to try to update WP, and then… get ready for it. I’m going to RE-OPEN my blog. Like a renewal, a new birthday, etc. Hopefully with the ‘newness’ of the blog, I can stay more faithful to posting. Am debating of going back and deleting all my archives, or keeping them and just starting a new.
Please stay tuned….
Happy Mother’s day all you mother’s out there. Past, present, future. Whether you are an adoptive mother, someone who is in the role of being a mom even though you aren’t, or you are a mother in anyway… today is your day. I hope that you have it full of love and laughter. Take time to enjoy it. You’ve earned it!
Today, my son would have been 15 years old. It’s been a reflective day for me, thinking about how different my life would be right now. I go through phases of.. am I still a mom, can I still celebrate those joys? I know, once a mom… always a mom, but there are times that I think it’s silly of me to celebrate. I only had 16 days with my son. I wouldn’t give up anything in the world to have missed those days though. I carried him, felt him, loved him for 9 months and 16 days. And, even if I knew the outcome would be the same, I wouldn’t change it for a second. The most beautiful and special boy in the world was a part of my life, and will always live on in my heart.
I look around and see children, teens, adults, fighting with their parents and family members, and I hate it. Do they not realize the precious gift that they have right there in front of them? Put aside all those silly differences, all the unimportant disagreements… cherish the time you have. It can all be gone in a blink of an eye, and you don’t want to sit there and think.. ‘if only I would have said this or that, did this or that.” Make the best of the here and now.
~steps off my soapbox~
Anyway, have a very Happy Mother’s Day!!
xoxo, ~pretty
I got home from Texas on Sunday evening. It was a great mini-vacation, and I had much needed laughter and relaxation and of course shopping. Monday night Oklahoma got hit with some sleet, ice, and snow. So, of course… things practically shut down. Schools were closed on Tuesday and the roads were bad. I didn’t get much snow around me, only a light layer.. most of what I got was sleet and ice. So, needless to say… I stayed home. It was nice. I watched some TV shows that I had DVR’d. I really don’t know how I survived before without this invention? I mean, seriously. Who doesn’t like to zoom past the bad commercials? Or maybe rewind and catch that song or word again? It’s Heaven, with a capital H. This morning the roads were still a little slick, so I went in late, only about an hour and half late.. so not too bad. Of course, my workload will suffer, because I left work Monday 2 hours early due to the storm coming in. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the winter. I love the snow and the gray skies, I’m weird like that. I just don’t like having to get out and drive in it. As long as I can stay home, I’m good!
I have to play catch up with school work. I have 2 assignments from last week, and then 4 from this week to get completed. Each lecture is about 45 minutes long, and each homework assignment takes about an hour or so to do. Ugh!!
You meet your soulmate. You know how it goes. You finish each others’ sentences and thoughts. You share a lot, if not all, of the same feelings. You adore each other. You want to spend every moment you can with them. You share laughter, fears, dreams, concerns, wishes, tears, good news, bad news, everything. You share yourself. You start, easily, breaking down the walls you once had. You let them in, and before you know you… you’re swept away with love. Not an ordinary love. This is something you can’t explain. You don’t really know how to describe it, and only those who have found it… could even begin to understand. You dream together, and of the future.
Then… something happens. An outside influence, something that can’t be controlled… but, it… takes your soulmate away. You know, there’s no other option… it hurts, and it breaks you, but you don’t have control over it. Your heart aches and you try to remember how to breathe.
You’re torn with what you know is right, and what you want to be right. You close your eyes, to blink back the tears that come for no warning. You take a tiny step forward, you know you’ve been here… well, this similar place, but never quite… here, before.
Take a deep breath… and… wait to exhale.
Well, I’m another year older. Whee.
Yesterday was my birthday. It was a nice day. Had a nice brunch, did some shopping, spent some time around family, and then a nice dinner.
Today, I’ve been lazy… laying around watching movies (The Women), watching trashy reality TV (The Real Housewives of Atlanta), and chatted some.
I know, I can hardly contain the excitement, too.
I’m finally done with all of the wrapping, the stuffings are stocked, or something like that. Now, I’ve got Mamma Mia! in the DVD player, new sheets and comforter on my bed, and I’m snuggled in to try to drift off to sleep.
Here’s wishing you and yours, a wonderful and very Merry Christmas! May your holiday be filled with lots of friends, family, laughter, smiles, and love.
