•Type Like A Girl•

I’ve learned realized okay, finally admitted? a few things this year. This is just a few of the things, that I can think of right now. So, if I forget something? Sorry.

• I should not still be awake at 2:47am.
• People, even close friends, are bound to annoy you from time to time.
• Sometimes, life gives you lemons and instead of making lemonade, you really should just grab the tequila.
• Never, EVER say that you can’t handle anymore. Because the moment you say that? Is when a whole shit load of stuff gets dumped on you.
• Be thankful for the little things. The small quiet moments, the moments you don’t even realize are happening.
• Become more aware of all around you (emotionally, physically, mentally).
• Express your love. Life is short, and unpredictible. Don’t let that chance pass you by to say “I love you.” Don’t be afraid of those words. Love is a splendid thing.
• Do something challenging. Step outside of your ‘norm’. Face a fear, take a leap of faith, learn something new. Just LIVE life.
• Never create a name for yourself (be it a journal, an email, a messenger I.D., etc) after something that reminds you of someone. (i.e. a cute little name that he calls you, etc). People change, and then you are stuck with having to change it… and that only adds salt to the already gaping wound.
• Family, friends, and your pets — are everything. Work and money are just the things that happen around you.
• Check your priorities. Make changes where you need them.
• Realize that failure is not the end of the world. All that matters is how you pick yourself up and move on from the failure.
  Learn from mistakes. Try not to remake them. BUT, if you do? It’s not the end of the world. That just means that specific lesson isn’t over yet.
• Write so that you never forget. Take pictures, write, sing, dance…
• Make healthy choices. Not so that you lose weight (or gain weight) to be a model or popular, but do so that you are healthy and live a long and full life. Do it for the right reasons and not the superficial ones.
• Express your creativity.
• Laugh. EVERY single day.
• Love ~ even when it hurts.
• CHERISH LIFE.
• And always… always – miss the loved ones who have passed, but remember the happy memories. Because even if they aren’t here on Earth anymore, they are always in your heart. And, you were blessed and lucky enough to have THEM in your life!

This is dedicated to my family, my friends, and my pet. I always strive to be a better person, a better friend, a better niece, a better daughter, a better granddaughter… a better me. I promise to never stop loving you, even if we disagree. I promise to always be there for you, in every way that I possibly can. 2010 was a rough year for me. There were many struggles (financial, physical, health) and the most impacting the loss of my grandma and the diagnosis of my papa having Alzheimer’s. I’m looking forward to starting out 2011 with a positive attitude, and trying to make it a more enriched year. I need a break, and I know it starts with me. I’ll be posting New Years resolutions by New Years Day.

I love you grandma and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you and think about you. You are always with me, in my heart and I know you are watching over me. But, the selfish part in me wishes you were here. I miss your hugs, your voice, your laughter, just being around you. I miss it all. I always knew how close my family was, and how special they all are to me. But, once you lose someone, you see just how much they are not only a part of your life — but they are a part of you. A part of me went with you grandma, but a part of you is still here with me.

Here’s to 2011!
~xoxo

Step One: Breathe
Step Two: Pause….
Step Three: Try to remember step one again.

Stress has been a whole new level it feels like lately. Things have been thrown at me, that either I never thought I’d have to deal with, or was in denial of them ever happening.

Let me start by saying, I’ve decided to re-invent my blog. I’ve been working on updating the design, the content, the ‘message’ that it will be used for. I don’t know if this project of mine will work, or if it will end up to the side… again. But, I really do want to try to make it work. I want to be an author, I feel that I’m a writer, sure, but to be a published author would be one of my lifelong dreams. Will it happen? Who knows… but, it can’t hurt to try, right? So, this is where I start. I have to make an effort to try to post often. More than once or twice every six months. Hopefully this grand plan works out for me.

The semester is winding down, and I can’t be happier about that. I have one chapter quiz, and then my final. I’ll be done by May 8th. Thank God. This is the 3rd Math Class in a row that I’ve taken, and I’m really, just over it.

Work is plugging along. I have more facilities that are under my workload now (basically doubled what I had), and while it’s bad because of the stress, it is also good because it makes the days go by a little more quickly, and of course… more Money.

Now, onto the rough stuff. See, all of that, is easy compared to this.
It’s hard to say it, and for awhile I guess I was in denial about it all. But, here goes. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s. This really is a horrible disease. It hurts, not only the one who has it, but it’s so rough on the family. We’re confused, hurt, feel lost as well. My Papa has always been the rock and strength in my life. He was the first male figure in my life, and has always been my sense of stability. He was always there, always worked hard, always provided. He was the one who we all would look to for guidance in just about every facet of our life. It started out with minor memory loss, of course… “old age” right? It got worse over time, repeating something 8 to 10 times in a row, and each time it’s like it’s the first time it ever happened… “old age” right? Then, it went to his conversations being confusing, not making sense, acting as if his past reality, is his current reality… “old age” right? Oh, how we were all wrong. It’s Alzheimer’s. And it hurts. I hurt. Of course, it’s probably easiest on him, in the sense that this IS his reality, and it seems normal to him. It doesn’t appear to be *off* for him. It’s all of us, that are having to pretend, having to put ourselves in what he feels is the reality. Butterflies in the bed room, people that have passed still being alive, work that has to be done; and it’s hard to wrap your mind around those realities, when you want to just cry.

So, I started this blog this morning at 9:48am, before I had went to visit my Papa. I went with my Grandma and my Aunt P. We stayed for about 3 hours or so. It went fairly okay, given the circumstances. Luckily, Papa rested some which is so important, and it was great to see him smile a time or two. He’s got a smile that just warms your heart. After we got him settled in for dinner, we hugged and kissed goodbye, exchanged I loves you, and headed out. The moment that the center’s doors shut, I just cried. I know, odd time, odd place… and I know, without doubt, he’s being taken care of. He’s safe there. He’s getting the care he needs. I cried because … He’s my Papa. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know, what’s going on around me… I knew he was getting bad, but I didn’t know the absolutely degree until about 2 weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions. It’s effected me physically, and mentally, and especially emotionally. But you know? None of it even amounts to a fragment of what my Papa is going through. I grew up, thinking and feeling he hung the moon. Because to me? He did. He’s always been an amazing father to my mom and my aunts, an amazing husband to my grandma, and an amazing Papa to me. He still is. Even though, I know he’s not in his right mind, there is one thing that IS right, and that is his heart. And in his heart, if no where else, we are all there like we always have been, and where we always will be. His heart loves, and his heart knows we love him. But I digress… sorry, back to where I was going with that point. I cried. My Aunt P and Grandma hugged me while I just boo-hoo’d. I want to fix it, and I can’t. I want to help it, and I can’t. I’m powerless once again, by something that takes over and does what it wishes. And I hate that feeling. Powerless. With my beliefs as they are… I know, God’s will is what it is. And I know, He only gives us what we can handle. But, just this once, I want to cry and say… “I can’t handle this.” Instead, I dry the tears, squeeze each family member a little tighter, and make sure, they know how much I love them. And, together, we help guide each other through this. With the amazing strength, that we have always have together.

We are Family. We are LOVE.

xoxo,
~Stori